Every now and then you see these un-legit gaming blogs with there un-legit lists and chumpy letter names that transform into words, but why would you want to read from a site that words mean more words, when you just want a blog with its real name without having needing a transtribulator to read and learn it all, everyone knows money doesn’t make the blog and I’m here to prove to you that a grade eight is meaningless if you put skills and perseverance and stuff into the job you work.
So here at Epicpowergaming and sons: Attorneys at law. We bring you my first article and the first legit Top 5 list of the century. And we do it by honoring the real heroes of the industry, no not you Mikey Nuemann, heyooo! For without these greasy gems the gaming industry would of started crumbling long ago as a Bowserful of wimpy characters tilt it back and forth almost dumping it onto its grave (Sora, Solid Snake and that know it all Steve, F*** you Steve!). So a further ahdude let us pay our respects and shimmy our little Randy’s to the Top 5 Most Greasiest Characters of all time.
**It takes no jeanus to know that Don Corneo skids right onto the listof The Greasiest characters of video game histories as he bumps out that pervy little elf from Link ocarina of get your own game and stop pretending you are a chick at all times. yes, this might be a contraversial pick, but guess what? I don’t care! about you or that Tingle, he didn’t even make it onto the list, so take you up-onions some other where and skoot, because I don’t really give a hoot. **
**Now say hello to Greasy bee Numbero Sinko.**
5. Don Corneo (Final Fantasy 7)
Now sometimes I know it’s hard to lime the light on the main antagonist since they’re all so clean and squeaky, but Final Fantasy 7 goes far and beyond by possibly presenting us with the first ever Greasy super hero of video game history books. This 5th inning hitter defines Greasy with just a word Don…..Corneo(well… one word if you say it fast enough). Because any way you look at it he puts the grrrrr in easy and is just as greasy. Don’t think so? Then listen up, Don Corneo is the first greasy game character to have the power to time travel to other games of it’s franchise and I’m pretty sure of this by the look of his haircut, it’s way past the Final Fantasy timeline. Meaning one thing, that about every villain and hero in Final Fantasy is related to him one way or the other and to make matters worst he tried to sleep with his under aged great great great great great grand children in a sloppy looking bed of love, but not before keeping them locked up in his dungeon of grime and lust. Drenched with Greasy bed spreads, muddy gravel dirt and rusty hypto c chains. He obviously doesn’t care for his grand childrens well being, because if he did he would of stopped himself from all the deloreon insist going on possibly even preventing Clouds mental illness (Loss of memory, cross dressing, speaking in text and in Japanese, do I rest my case?) ……..or not.
**Mmmm mmm our next guest is so delicious and slightly tastier than a granola bar sandwich on a musty afternoon that he will have you craving for seconds. Give me more, give me more it’s greasiest character number four!**
4. Pey’J [Pey’J/Shepard] (Beyond Good and Evil)
I don’t get it? how did he make it onto the list, he’s as lovable and clean as they come. Is it because he’s a pig? He’s as greasy as a Koala on Easter, which is pretty dry and furry, maybe sticky from all the candy drenched children that would be petting him, but still no grease to be found. We might as well add Commander Shepard to the list and all Shepard really does is have sex with his team while they do all the work. All I’m saying is that just because he was all oiled up and greasy while flies ate the stink off him in the Beyond Good and Evil 2 teaser does not make him that. At least Pigsy actually earns his spot on the list, Pey’J actually does things, he created a space ship for crying out loud. I’m pretty unsatisfied with this pick, I think my employer was payed off or something and will be getting a piece of my mind after this. In the meantime I’ll be keeping my eyes on you Ubisoft Montreal, I can smell the stink on you and don’t think I won’t put you on a list of grease too.*Then again….. Pey’J did allow his niece to go off and collect sacks full of pearls for three creepy looking rhino brothers……**
**Greasier than a musky manatee at a Jahobo initiation celebration and I an’t hating just because i didn’t get an invitation…. it’s and abomination. Give it up for the sucka free greasiest character numba three.**
3. Pigsey (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
He’s in the game as one of the main three protagonists and doesn’t do jack sh** for the majority of the story! I’m done with this tool, someone put me in a game already. if it’s this easy to be this greasy than I want in on this too. Oh, sure he helped fix a few things here and there, but they even gave him his own dlc! i want my own DLC! Why can’t it ever be me! I’m not jealous! you’re jealous!
**send me that invitation already you F*****g A**h***s!!!!**
**uh hum, get yourself together man, this is not about you.**
**Moving on to Greasy Video Game Character number two**
2. Dimitri (Sly Cooper)
Our next Honory comes at you sifting through the shadows as he almost snatches the number one spot with his thievius ways as he sneaks past the whole list onto the number two. Hitting you harder than a greasy mattress at a haunted bed and breakfast we present you with Dimitri Dimitri Dimitri (I’m pretty sure that’s his full name). Because there is no way Epicpowergaming would deny that slimy little man snake the treasure of runner up. With his spiny little lizard toes, slithery tongue and those feminine shoulders that gingerly hold up a love embedded suit of funk and jam, we just had to do it. Dimitri brings to the list what the rest of these grease balls can’t and that is the style of a young Jon Travolta with the package of a middle aged Jon hamm. A crook so greasy that he’s not afraid to cowardly play innocent when it matters the least. A night club dancer making counterfiet bills who eventually teams up with the good guys? You can’t get top tier greasy without betraying your ways and joining the light side, even though the light side is stealing from others while being told what to do by a smelly turtle in a wheel chair, but we forgive our magnificent creature of love, because in all realness how can you stay mad at that face. After just a glimpse of Dimitri’s sexy seducing dance moves that will sure have one grabbing onto there ghoulies, you yourself would be wondering why you even doubted his presence on the list to begin with.
**Now make sure your innocence is safe from those spiny little twigs as we move on from the connoisseur of finer things onto our Number One PICK.**
1. Duck hunt Dog (Duck Hunt)
Whoa, wait…. you’re surprised? Is it because he’s a 8 bit character? If so than that makes you a racist! Why? because Duck Hunt Dog is one of, no! is the greasiest most filthiest game character that has ever touched the rim of a console. And for the last 30 year births he’s been living in the same duck sh** infested waters with molted greasy disintegrating bodies that he has collected throughout the years. One after another he plucked families of ducklings out of the crimson river of gunk and feathers just to take them back down with him to his little hermit dungeon hidden deep within the featherless lagoon of lost hopes and low gamer scores. I think we can agree that Duck Hunt Dog holds the championship for greasiest video game character of all time and then some. But just remember who was the one pulling the trigger for some might even say The Greasiest Video Game Character of all time is
**eventually Dogs infinite supply of diseased ridden corpses had to come to an end. As the man behind the bush delivered and delivered until he finally became a victim himself, dead from dehydration and starvation, after spending his whole life doing all he could to keep Dog from ever hopping over the hedges and taking his family away. But after man had passed Dog started to slowly lose his powers and with no one to shoot down the ducklings dog weakened and was never to be seen again….
That was until Nintendo’s greasy put puts made a sequel for the Wii and brought us back into a sh**storm filled of sh** flowers and shot there magnetic voodoo pistols all over our sh** faces! Thanks a lot Nintendo, not only for greasing up our lives, but for keeping the Greasy in gaming alive.**
Do you know how hard it is trying to stay on top of the most greasy video game characters of all time while having to defend yourself from a family of filthy rakeins? Thought so, but it’s all good powernauts. I’m happy to bring you the greasy of the greasiest to keep you safe from moist swamp puppets and brain thinkings that comes with the job. So stay safe and make sure you tune in every wendesdays during the Epic Grease Power hour at 6pm Pst (only Live on Twitch TV).
This is Cathew Murlock wishing you a Grainyday and a Gravynight, play us out Dimitri!
Just Missed the List
Pong Stick – I’m just gonna get past the double entendre and get straight to the dot. It’s extremely unsanitary to be slapping a ball around for that long with a friend without having a wash.
**Moral of the story Wash your balls.**
Pokemon – Summer nights can be hot, damp and sweaty, yes even in North Pole. Yet, these little fellas have to endure being sploshed around in a Voltorb looking ball filled of juices and front fluids by a bunch of middle class d-bags who couldn’t tell a Onyx from a Jigglypuff. In matter of fact this is less greasy and more of abuse and child endangerment, but still makes it onto the list, because hey think were all the bun condiments flow…..
*shivers in disgust* GREASY!
Pokemon Trainers – You walk around the world with balls of feces and urine infested fetuses of dehydrated, starved and heat struck Pokemon with a smile on your face like you just came back from a trip to Disneyland. **FYI, just because it’s a Pokemon doesn’t mean it doesn’t need water to live, think of them as your pet goldfish, you can’t just put a custom made leash created of swiggly’s you took from bags of bread that you found randomly laying around the supermarket (straight up, whats up with that?) and expect everything to be just fine.**
Game Developers -You sweat blood and tears making these AAA games for us while these evil corporations you work for dismantle them into DLC and pay to play pre-order items, so instead of brushing away your hard work like every other gamer in this centurion I grant you a spot on the most Greasiest video game characters list.
my friends you’ve made it.
**P.S. Keep fighting to stay alive you greasy sons of an Emboar, life will get better eventually.**
Locust Queen – She has had over 3 games filled with armies of her inbred children, the amount of grease she has splurged into the universe with all the romping she has been doing with who knows who’m is pretty darn disgusting. Just think about it, locust live underground, water and oil also flow underground,which also makes it’s way above ground….. the ocean we surf on.. the water we drink…… Baby mama smexy sauce is what I’m talking about and I haven’t even brought up the after birth jelly.
Team Meat – Just look at those greasy f***s
**Four games with naked children (one a remake) and another filled with Orgy cats, I rest my case.**
The Missing Link aka Case 0
I know, I know, enough with the emails already, I’m even getting letters from the president now. I understand you are all upset that Tingle didn’t make The Greasiest Characters of all time list, yes, he didn’t even place, but there’s things far beyond your brain thoughts that you’re yet to copperhend. We present to you the legendary Case 0. The true story about a lonely elf boy that was framed and fell victim to identity theft.
The Greasiest character of all time
#0 Tingle/Link/Old Man/ Wizard (Zelda franchise)
What’s greasier then a heffalump slanging honey to a dope craving polar bear? No other than the one and only greasiest elf of all time, LINK. Yes! Link is the top greasiest character of all time or is he? and are those the only questions that come to mind? Why did Simba only run back in forth? How does Mario shoot fire out of his crotch? Does eighteen really equal a basket of tomatoes? What does this all have to do with Tingle?! Are all questions you may be asking yourselves?
Now stay with me and pay close attention because we are about to get deep into the nether of this hard-boiled crime novel that has been lingering onto our waistband for the last 3 centuries…..
After the Original Legend Of Zelda games for the NES the appearance of Link had changed drastically coinwinsindance? I think not! A man without a cause, a man with nothing to lose is only a man on a mission to gain everything.
which brings us to Tingle. The real Tingle that is! for ever since that day it’s he who has been the one in the hero attire. is your mind blown yet?!
I don’t really know what exhibit B is, but it’s such a wonderful letter that it just couldn’t Be left out!
We have secret un-read by the public eye documents in our position of what Nintendo really did to Link. He was taken from his family, dropped into a wasteland of murderous monsters and left in the care of an old wrinkly man who built a shop right inside a dungeon with no doors! (do you know how dangerous that is? someone call child services!) Or was he an old man….? Did stopping Gannon really save the princess? Was there really a princess to begin with? Who was this elderly man? and did this geezer have a name? The answer is…. YES! The Old Man Is a Majestic Wizard and that WIZARDS
I know you’re in disbelief, now hear me out.
Tingle originated in the original Legend of Zelda game and is the true villain of the franchise, but what happened to link after that, how did he get to be one of the weirdest balloon riding side character of all time? and how did he fall so low that for the rest of his life he would be running around the forest looking for bushes to hide his junk? Tingle is how.
An old man in a cave just happens to be standing along waiting to give a young boy a wooden sword with mystical powers. That magically takes down ferocious creatures and then is sent on his way to slay a dark warlord that has kidnapped some unknown princess… yeah, sure.
**The boy didn’t even ask any questions so i think he’s kind of at fault here too, but back to the investigation!**
What really happened that dark misty day? I’ll tell you what happened that day, a boy awakes on a grassy field of grass after being kidnapped by a evil gaming corporation and is dropped right in front of the cave of the most dangerous wizard that has ever existed, but why?! For the sole purpose of beating a franchise to death and making a bajillion of money dollars! Yes! That’s why!
But does it all end there? No! The wizard is in need of someone to break the curse that was laid upon him. The very same curse that has kept him trapped inside the cave he’s found in at the very start of the game. But why? So that the amazing gen of the 80’s would fall and never continue it’s supreme reign of indie developers. The same independent developers that were the First Party Games!
And to put this evil plan into play all they needed was a boy. So the Wizard transmorphiates a fake princess and gives the boy a sword formed from dark magic that would easily slay the White mage. The same white mage who had cast the entrapment spell on the wizard…. and that heroic mage was no other than GANNON!
But the mage was no match for the boy and after his defeat the old caved hermit Wizard broke from his curse and used his evil powers to take the form of the boy and trap him as a weird dorky elf shop keeper for the rest of his life.
Now that you know the true details behind case zero we can finally put the investigation behind us, but before this case comes to a close one question still remains to be answered…. Do You Believe?
**A Old Wizard man that has a boy murder for him right before consuming his little soul and body….. Now what’s darker and greasier than that? I agree with you, Nothing.**
So that’s it for us today my friends and if there’s anything you can take from this story back with you into the real world it’s to hold your children closely and cherish your family dearly, because you never know when a wizard might be nearly…….
top 5 greasiest video game characters