SPOILER ALERT: It can't return, if it was never there to begin with.

SPOILER ALERT: It can’t return, if it was never there to begin with.

If you ask anyone who has been playing vidya gamez for more than 5 years to name a horror game, assuming they arent a complete loser, they’ll probably say something like “Resident Evil” or “Silent Hill”, (if they say anything like “Dead Space”, immediately delete this person from your life, because they are obviously incredibly detached from reality, and probably deserve to be put down like the filthy creatures they are). So what exactly is it that has put the metaphorical nail in the coffin for this entire genre? Do we blame Call of Duty by pumping too much testosterone into our beloved hobby, giving this false sense that, if you aren’t constantly running from explosions and bullets, that you aren’t having fun? Do we blame Ubisoft for pumping out linear crap like Assassins Creed (dont be fooled, yes, its linear) that is disguised as a free roaming sandbox-like game, causing us to think that if something actually IS linear, it is bad? Do we blame the American government for all of that mind-controlling flouride they put in the water? The simple answer is this:

NO.

So who is to blame? We’ll to put it bluntly, we are all to blame. We kept pushing for the industry to move forward in leaps and bounds and provide us with new and innovative features, when in reality what we needed was to move backwards! No! I dont need a dozen different buttons to interact with my environment, I need two buttons, one that makes me move, and the other that makes me shit myself in fear. The earlier Silent Hills and Resident Evils did a great job of that. But what exactly made them good? Lets take a look at some of the features that gave them their power.

 
1. MUCH more limited resources (if any). Silent Hill made sure that you were never armed to the teeth with monster destroying tools. If you could even get a gun, you’d be lucky to have half a magazine in it. And even if you managed to both get a gun, and have ammo, you still had to deal with the fact that most enemies were unstoppable. They would fuck you up whether or not they were full of bullets. Resident Evil, being a little more combat oriented, limited your saves in earlier games, so that you couldnt just save around every single corner. The original Dead Space (maybe the others, I didnt play them) had a feature like this on the harder difficulties, but honestly, it shouldnt be a difficulty thing. It should be a standard feature. Its what gave RE its atmosphere. Well, that and the undead trying to murder you.

2. Characters that werent total whiny bitches. In Dead Space, there is just too much god damn talking. People never cease to run their trap, having to explain during every minute of the game EXACTLY what it is you need to be doing. Isaac! Open that gate so that we can _____! Isaac! Kill dem necrophages! Its silly. You dont gotta explain shit to me. You know why? Im a grown fucking man. I had to be 17 to buy this shit, let me figure it out on my own. I dont go buy jigsaw puzzles that have instructions. Because im not fucking retarded. The problem is, most of the video game audience these days IS fucking retarded. So they need everything either handed to them, or explained for them.

3. Shit just aint scary, yo. You remember Doom 3? That gave you a flashlight and a pistol and put you on Mars and turned out the lights. They said, “Hey. You. We opened a portal to fucking Hell and now its YOUR JOB to close it”. It was dark. You were hopeless. There were demons. Thats it. That puny flashlight was pretty much a beacon saying, “COME FUCK MY FACE PLEASE” and the demons were welcome to oblige.

Bioshock was pretty spooky. If being on the bottom of the ocean with a bunch of drugged up meth heads is scary to you. Its kind of like living in Kentucky. Only youre underwater.

Bioshock was pretty spooky. If being on the bottom of the ocean with a bunch of drugged up meth heads is scary to you. Its kind of like living in Kentucky. Only youre underwater.

    But if there was one characteristic I could say that, without a doubt, made games scary, its this. Hopelessness. The feeling that you really arent sure if youre going to make it. Not knowing if around that next corner, there might be a 4 legged scythes-for-legs monster ready to chop your fucking dick off. People want to feel like they are going to die. Thats scary. Being given an arsenal of space guns and trompsing through a space station is not spooky. It is not scary. It is not unsettling. It is just annoying. You know you arent going to lose, so why care?
These nurse things in SIlent Hill were spooky. No one likes things that twitch. Nothing good ever twitches.

These nurse things in Silent Hill were spooky. No one likes things that twitch. Nothing good ever twitches.

In recent times, one game managed to capture this very well, and its honestly probably one of the best the survival horror genre has to offer. That would be Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Its a little cliche, and a lot of people have already played it, but it embodied what a survival horror game should be about. Survival. You couldnt fight them. You had to hide. Hiding is spooky as shit. No one likes to hide.

 

The last problem I’ll touch on is the fact that jump scares have ruined society. They ruin movies, haunted houses, games, porn, books, everything. Shit flying out at me real fast WILL INDEED make me jump and possibly shriek, but it does not scare me. It doesnt put that thought in the back of your mind that, oh shit, this thing is going to find me and turn my asshole into a messy dinner for two.

 

So fuck jump scares.

-stalinsaurus

fe-awakening

Major story spoiler: nothing this cool ever happens.

FIRE EMBLEM: THE RE-AWAKENING

     For those of you that live in America and dont pay attention to anything Japan says unless its a nuclear meltdown, they made this new game for the Nintendo 3DS like last month. Its apparently the fifth or sixth title in this series (probably more, I think its like FInal Fantasy or something), but I’ve never played one. So the internet told me that I should try this because it is game of the year. Of course it wouldnt win it, because I think Call of Duty is going to hop all over that every year, but the internet is usually pretty smart (it isnt) so I did it. I of course tried going to our trusty GAMESTOP up the road, big mistake, this snap-back wearing trailer dweller in front of me was wayyyy to busy buying a PStriple and I had to wait for like nine years to ask for a copy. Eventually he told me they were out so I said ‘fuck it’ and went and bought a digital copy. Thats a thing now. I can actually just DOWNLOAD the games off of the interbutts and save it to the gameboy. How convenient is that? Why would you ever buy a game in person again?

   Okay so I bought the game, I downloaded it, and I launched it. Keep in mind I have made it a point for the entirety of my life to stay away from anything that even remotely resembles anime. Call me racist, but I just never gave a fuck about Japan time. I start watching some cut scenes and so I’m all like, “Yeah okay this is cool, this is some plot thats probably important and blah blah blah”. It asked me stuff like if I wanted to play on hard mode, I chose normal. Then it asked if I wanted to play classic or new age mode. This determines if units come back to life after a battle if they die. I chose classic because I thought it would make it more fun to have a sort of challenge, plus it would create a sense of compassion between me and my characters.

  So after creating and naming my avatar, Castiel and the Legion of Doom set out unto the wilderness to fight zombies and stuff. After a short tutorial level, I realised I would have to actually fucking learn what I was doing, and think my battles through. What was this foreign feeling? Ive never had to think in Assassins Creed or in Skyrim. I just pressed buttons and things died. This was new to me. So I messed around with buttons and read what the game told me. After getting a basic grasp on the gameplay, I pressed on into the second mission.

  I found this to be quite the challenge, considering Fire Emblem is apparently a STORY DRIVEN game that has at least a half hour of cutscenes in between fights. This would not do. I abandoned all sympathy for paying attention to the story and began to skip every cutscene I could. This made the game much better. I started enjoying the fights and learning how to become even stronger with character relationships. Although I do find myself restarting the system a lot, because if a unit dies, I cannot bear to lose it. But im probably about 3/4s of the way through now, and so far having a great time.

 Lets take a look at some of the gameplay 

Fire-Emblem-Awakening-Splash-Image2

  This is the top screen, which contains all of the things that arent stats. The blue is the area that you can move, the red is the area you can attack. As you can see, that unit can walk to the enemy unit and attack it. Theres a bunch of other useless stuff at the top right and left of the screen that dont really matter, too. Each unit can move once per turn.

gaming-fire-emblem-awakening-3

  In this screenshot, you can see the lower screen. It has the units face, some stats and shit, and their inventory. The stats are pretty useless unless you have a math degree and possibly a philosophy and english degree too. I dont know what kind of stat “Skill” is, I think its like dexterity or something. But really you only need to stack strength and hp, its like every other game ever. You can also see that this class is a Lord. Theres like a billion classes and they can all evolve (like Pokemon!) into stronger versions. Do not be fooled. They can also devolve for some reason. This really threw me for a loop for a while.

   Some characters can only use certain weapons. This will also confuse you, when suddenly your archer becomes a wyvern lord, and can no longer hurt things. In fact, he will spend most of his time dying.

    Speaking of dying, let me tell you the worst feature this game has. Ill have to open with this explanation though. Combat, even if you turn off combat cutscenes, takes forever. That being said, they put in an auto play feature. The game will literally play itself for you, if you so choose. The caveat to this is this, you can choose which playstyle they choose, but they all involve certain death for weak units. If you play like me and cannot stand to lose units, this becomes troublesome because the AI is very smart. They know that a 12 year old girl in lingerie is much easier to rape, than a 7’8″ man in armour, on a horse who is also wearing armour. Therefore they always do just that.  You must strategically leave useless dead weight in the back, while sending your beefy man shields to the front lines. Taking a page out of Americas books, huh Japan? The auto play feature is too tantalizing to NOT use, which leads to a lot of restarts.

  There are shops in between battles that let you upgrade items and stuff, and you can also build relationships between characters and eventually make them have sex to create children that take skills from both parents. BUT YOU CANT HAVE GAY SEX MIND YOU. Japan does not allow this. Only hetero, god worshiping sex. Except Japan worships sea dragons I think, which you have to be careful about, because in this game sea dragons will FUCK YOU UP.

  I do enjoy this game though. It gave me a reason to play my 3DS, and its opened me up to the world of weeaboo turn based RPGs. Ther combat is actually pretty fun, and the game makes you think. Playing in classic mode also makes you grow attached to your characters, (who can interact in between missions and become STRONKER), and I highly suggest it.

OVERALL

starsssss

  Fire Emblem: Awakening in my opinion gets a 23 on the 27 star scale, with 4 of those stars having the bottoms chopped off. Id tell anyone with a 3DS to play it, but I know almost no one has one. Maybe you should buy one you Sony/Microsoft loving faggot.

-stalinsaurus

xlarge

Here at Endgame we are huge RPG nuts, whether it’s video games, pen & paper D&D or just plain choose your own adventure books we are there and rolling our imaginary or real dice!  However since this is a game blog mostly dedicated to video games then I’d like to sit back and welcome the return of a golden age of gaming.

Arcanum_banner

It’s no secret that games like Baldur’s Gate and Planescape: Torment are still fresh in the minds of gamers in their twenties and beyond, but here in the past five to six years we’ve been dying for a real rpg to come hit us with a dose of awesome.  Isometric games were our heroin from Fallout’s apocalyptic landscape full of robots, mutants and radioactive bugs to the mystical wonders of surviving a burning blimp crashing into the ground, rising above the smoke and fire to find yourself in a world of magic and steam age mechanics in Arcanum.  After years of yearning the wait is finally almost over.

eternityWith Baldur’s Gate Enhanced edition releasing in November 2012 the success of possibly bringing back that classic ignited something in developers wanting to work on something they can care about again, industry veterans such as Tim Cain (Fallout, Arcanum, Temple of Elemental Evil, Josh Sawyer (Icewind Dale 1 and 2, Fallout: New Vegas), Brian Menze (Vault Boy artist, Artist on Planescape: Torment, Creator of Darth Nihilus), Scott Evertz (Level creator on Fallout, Planescape: Torment, and Icewind Dale 1 and 2 and Fallout: New Vegas) and Dan Spitzley (Lead Programmer on Planescape: Torment) have all come together in the newly formed Project Eternity that raised $3,986,929 that has my heart racing to get my hands on.  You can lurk their forums at http://forums.obsidian.net/ to find everything you’ll need to know and if my gut is correct then this will be an RPG that you definitely won’t want to miss out on!

 
black-isle
However many people recognize the iconic white tree from Black Isle and some people may be extremely excited to see them return once again with their own game currently titled “Project V13”.  Currently not much is known about the project except that it takes place in an apocalyptic future in a devastated land where you form a colony and fight to survive and gather resources to further your future.  You’ll be able to choose a character and background whether it be cyborg, mutant, or last remaining of the humans.  One can’t help but be intrigued that BlackIsle has returned again and I’ll definitely keep an eye on this hopeful gem.  For updates on this project you can check out their fund site here http://blackisle.com/

ag203

One game that was just dropped in on me by our own Kanaric is called The Age of Decadence by Iron Tower Studio.  In this game you’re set in a post apocalyptic world, but set in a sort of almost Romanesque scenery with crumbling buildings and old abandoned cities.  There are confirmed 7 different endings to the game and in order to reach each one you’ll have to play the game differently and choose the allies and enemies that you keep by you at all times, pitting factions against one another or helping a rival faction in order to help your own personal gain.  You’re not a chosen one, you’re not some Demi-God, nor some special person trusted with something, you’re just a regular ass person that has the chance of a lifetime to make a name for yourself much like Spartacus.  My god… I think I’m salivating.  In fact if you’re already wiping tears of joy from your eyes, you can go ahead and download the open beta free from their site!

With all these great games being swung in my face I can’t help but think about the future of RPG’s and how hopefully we nerdlings of the dice will never go hungry for our isometric cereal again.

Todays game is:




BABYLONG RISING: THE GOD KILLING PARTY GAME

  This is a game made by Jesus and God, in which you do what they do best, kill Christians. It takes place in biblical times during the attempted building of some tower. I think the story had something to do with people trying to get closer to God by building a tower. I dont know because I have never bible’d. I DIGRESS. This game has you in the cockpit of a God with 4 powers (worst God ever) which differ depending on which elements you choose. Theres only 2 powers per element though, but they can be used in neat ways. Theres also ultimate abilities which are just basically BFGs that kill everyone you see.

   The Christians slowly work at building the tower and you kill them. Thats the game in a nutshell. They come in waves and have different types of Christians, but your job never changes. Ruthlessly slaughter the innocent and stop them from building that tower. I actually only played this for 2 hours, but really thats all you need to do. It got pretty stale after that, and there isnt much variation besides ‘stop them by throwing fireballs”.

 Im going to dissect it a little bit and address each part separately so I can adequately tough on all aspects of Babel Rising.

POWERS

  As previously stated, there are elemental powers. 2 per element, which gives us 8 powers (unless were talking about some Leeloo Fifth Element stuff, mmmmmm dat costume). So each element has a click and drag ability and a single point ability. ie. Fire has a wall of fire you create if you drag the cursor and it has a fireball that you drop that does minor aoe damage. Air makes a tornado, which is by far the best ability, that throws people, and it also creates lightning. Because thats an element. I dont know what earth and water do because I didnt use them. But its probably really similar. Sometimes the Christians will have canopic jars that disable your powers if you destroy them, so you have to strategically use your worst power to do it so you dont lose something useful.

   You also have ultimate abilities for each element. They have about a 2 minute cooldown and basically kill everything. Wind blows all enemies off the map, water floods the earth, fire makes meteors destroy shit, earth makes an earthquake.

CHRISTIANS/TOWER

   Lets talk about the Christians. 90% of them are just normal things. Some of them though are immune to certain elements. They will project a shield around them that also protects Christians near them from that element. Generally that isnt a problem, but sometimes youll get two of them next to each other and you cant hurt them. Christians disappear once they reach the highest level of the tower, so the only way to deal with these double teams is to let them pass, which isnt that big of a deal.

 The tower itself starts as nothing more than a couple scaffoldings and dirt on the ground. As more and more Christians reach it, it gets built higher and higher. The generally run for one area of the tower, so you can kind of bottleneck them there and just go all biblical on em. The exception is in multiplayer where the tower has two ramps, but you can just split yourself between them. Eventually once the tower gets high enough, because in the early game you cant always stop them, they start sending in those battle tower things and they can get up to the second level quickly. But its still a pretty easy counter to kill them. If anything, all they do is make the game interesting because it gives the false impression that you can lose.

LOSING

  Like I said, I only played this for 2 (maybe a lil more) hours. That was just one game of it too. I played multiplayer with a friend and we’d been playing for a while when we realised the timer was at 2 hours and they werent even halfway up the tower. It was pretty entrancing but I could feel the fun wearing off. We eventually let them get to the top. Im pretty sure anyone without a learning disability could never ever lose this game unless you were severely handicapped.

PROS AND CONS

PROS

1. Good fun until it gets boring.

2. You get to be a God! Who doesnt like that?

3. You get to kill Christians, another great past time.

4. NOTHING

CONS

1. Gets boring very quick. And I dont just mean kinda boring. I mean crippling, cant play the game anymore boring

2. We were on the highest difficulty when we played. It was still piss easy.

3. There are multiple levels, but they all do the exact same things. Build a tower up. No variation.

4. The powers get old too quick. Theyre basically copy pasted versions of each other.

5. It was 10 earth dollars. Thats too much for 2 hours of fun.

MY RATING ON THE 88 STAR SCALE

29/88

Game was pretty shitty. I wouldnt recommend this to anyone unless they needed to kill 2 hours and it was free.

Also, Ive noticed I review a lot of games where you play as Gods. Hmmmmm. Whats up with that?

-stalinsaurus

So today Peter Melyneux, the man behind such letdowns such as Fable 1, Fable 2, Fable 3, Fable Heroes, and Project Curiosity, announced a kickstarter page for his next big idea.

The basic idea of this game from what I can tell, is that its just like playing Rollercoaster Tycoon, except there are no rides. So hes pretty much making the Sims. The game is called GODUS, which I can only hope is tentative, and hes asking for 450 grand. We all know he will get it because people do this every time he makes grandiose promises, they give him the contents of their wallet, and are left with bitter disappointment and regret. It is the ultimate buyers remorse. Its like investing in stocks or gold bullion and in return having a sumo wrestler come to your house and shit in your mouth.

“Broken promises and dreams are our specialty here at 22cans”

All bias towards Pete aside, the game could be good. COULD. Maybe. I dont know about you, but I dont really trust a 59 year old british guy to make things that have only been around for 20 years. I wouldnt let Anne Frank lay carpet in my house, thats for damn sure. I digress, the game has the ability to contain that oh so sought after, fun. It sounds to me like youll be a god and have assorted powers and abilities with which to further the lives of your peasants. Or exterminate them. So its like Sim City also.

Heres a few of the promises weve been made so far:

  • It’s a living world, unique and detailed. And it’s a world you influence, whether you’re good or evil.
  • GODUS is instantly accessible, easy to learn but immensely deep.
  • As you flourish and build your own cult, you’ll engage in pitched battles with other gods and their cults. It’s a multiplayer power-struggle the way it should be.

Now lets break these down one by one, and look at what will probably be the reality.

1. “It’s a living world, unique and detailed. And it’s a world you influence, whether you’re good or evil.”

More than likely, were looking at a world with Minecraft styled graphics (aka shit). Im not sure if that picture is actually from the game, or just some bullshit placeholder. Needless to say, the games graphics will end up being hipster, indie, 2deep4u. Im not sure why, but kids these days eat up shit with terrible graphics.

This “world influence” statement reminds me of the “Fabled” line from back in the day when Fable 1 was being released. “You can do anything!” – Pete M. Yeah, we bought that lie in 2002. Try again asshole.

2. “GODUS is instantly accessible, easy to learn but immensely deep.”

Did someone say free-to-play-but-theres-a-cash-shop-with-necessary-items-that-you-would-be-gimping-yourself-if-you-DIDNT-buy-them? No? I DID.

3. “As you flourish and build your own cult, you’ll engage in pitched battles with other gods and their cults. It’s a multiplayer power-struggle the way it should be.”

Im not feeling very clever, so pretend I made an edgy stab at Christianity right here. So apparently there will be PvP, which might be pretty decent. PvP in a simcity hasnt been done that I know of, which, considering I havent played a simcity since the late 90s, isnt saying much. Hopefully the battles are as fun as Pete says.

So there isnt too much info in the video aside from backstory and Molyneux and some other british spurglords. So im going to make fun of the people in the video for a little bit.

EIGHT

 At one point, Peter talks about having MP battles more than standard 1v1s. The camera cuts to this guy:

eight?

saying “eight”. It cuts back and forth between Molyneux talking, and that guy saying eight. I cant make this shit up. I had no clue what was going on. Maybe its a sign of things to come. Maybe its how many first borns Molyneux needs every morning to remain chained to this mortal world. I dont know.

MEET THE TEAM

The team is 17 dudes, a whale, and a totally cute bangable British chick. I might buy this. Theres really not much to say, except that the guy behind Peter looks JUST LIKE TONY HAWK WHAT THE FUCK.

THE BEST FOR LAST

    Okay here we go. Kickstarter always gives bonuses for idiots who throw money at things that will never happen. And Molyneux is the KING of suckering retards into doing this. The rewards go up in increments, but you get everything if you give the equivalent of EIGHT (wait it all makes sense now) THOUSAND EARTH DOLLARS. God damn son. Give 10 thousand and I heard Molyneux even comes and sucks your dick. Lets go over all these prizes.

  1. Forum Access: Okay, lowest prize, pretty useless. Although that shit should be free.
  2. Godus Digital Download: I dont know if they actually plan on making you get a hardcopy if you dont donate enough. Do people do hardcopies anymore?
  3. An achievement: Seriously? That shit sucks.
  4. Making Of video: This can be nice if youre into these things. Good prize.
  5. Design Document: the picture is a manilla folder with a PDF symbol on it. Quite literally the most retarded prize on the list.
  6. Dev Webcam: I have no clue what this means. I can only hope it means that british hottie flashes a titty on webcam.
  7. Godus Beta: Good prize. Beta invites are cool.
  8. 22cans follow on twitter: Pandering to people who love getting youtube “thumbs-up” is a shit thing to do.
  9. 22cans Roll of Honour: Get your name on a list in some building in britania. Not horrible I suppose.
  10. In game pet: I dont know. I guess thats alright. Depends on what the pet is and if it forces other people to see it.
  11. Signed tee shirt: I just want the chicks autograph, damn.
  12. *YOUR NAME ON CURIOSITY: Oh boy. Ill address this at the end of the post.
  13. Additional copies: alright, play with friends, not bad.
  14. Personalized title screen: also pretty cool. Give yourself some expression before killing people as a God.
  15. Name in the credits: Not bad. A lot of things have this. Although I never watch the fucking credits.
  16. In-game statue: Another thing that makes me wonder if other people are forced to see it.
  17. Godus alpha: Kinda shit. Alphas arent fun at all.
  18. Godus God Power: I dont know if they make one special for you or what. Maybe they gift you with god abilities in RL
  19. Design a Power: Fuck yeah. Makes me wish I had money just to grief people online with a useless piece of shit ability.
  20. VIP visit to E3: Best prize there hands down. But you could get that for less than 8 grand somewhere else.

*=Okay, Curiosity is a giant cube made of smaller cubes. I mean GIANT. Billions of cubes. You break cubes one by one to get to the middle. It started about a month ago and its going to take fucking forever to get to the middle. Most people draw shit on it (think DrawBall). Its some more indie hipster shit. But I do want to know whats in the middle. The unreleased version of Fable that is good? Doubtful.

-Stalinsaurus

The age of new generations of game is upon us. The new Nintendo console the Wii U has been released apparently sometime this recent weekend.

We met up with a few gamers outside the local game shop and they had this to say: “­­­        ”

Seriously. Did anyone know this thing was coming out? Am I that out of the loop?

 

-stalinsaurus

Sometime around 2010, gaming seemed to change. A new word (it wasnt really new, but no one had ever used it before) hit the streets, and like crack cocaine in the black community, it spread like wildfire while simultaneously destroying its target audience. What is this word you might ask?

 

Entitled

Whats funny is, if you google ‘gamer entitlement’ half the pictures are Mass Effect pictures.

 Or any form of it (ie. self entitled, entitlement, entitLOLment, etc). In gaming, it has been used a multitude of ways, but typically refers to the fact that gamers feel like they “deserve” something from developers when they release a game. Now, personally I’m not really taking a side on this argument. I do feel like developers let down their players frequently, if not constantly. But at the same time, I feel like gamers have unrealistic expectations of video games these days.

Ill tell ya who, its that damned Sasquatch. And Bioware.

Heres the problem. In the 80’s and 90’s, nothing had been done yet in video games. You could do anything, and it seemed fresh and original. But eventually, you run out of new places to explore. The medieval dragon fighting shit was fun for a few years, but now, even if a bunch of cool features are added, people feel like its stale. Almost as if they’d played it already. This is because they have. There have been literally thousands of medieval dragon fighting shit games for the last three decades. Now, theoretically, you could add enough cool features to really make people enjoy it, but lets face it, developers dont put effort into gaming anymore (looking at you Call of Duty).

 

 

 

A sidenote: I think this whole trend really started with the KING OF LETDOWNS Peter Molyneux. The first Fable was supposed to be the greatest game ever made. While it was pretty good, it was nowhere near what was promised. Which leads me to my next point.

 

Devs promising shit that never happens

  Its just like politicians. They make promises and dont hold up their end of the bargain. Look at Assassins Creed III (which you can find my review of here http://endgameblog.com/2012/11/07/290/). At E3, it was shown that this game was a stunningly beautiful masterpiece, with no graphical problems at all. In reality it was as if Jesus himself had taken a shit on the American Revolution and filmed it. Actually that might be pretty neat. “Gamers” (which I use lightly) are promised that [insert game here] will have every feature they’d ever dream about and would never need to play a game again. Once the game comes out, you beat it once and never play it again. This is shit. I played Grand Theft Auto  San Andreas for months and never got bored. Albeit I was younger, games just dont have that lasting appeal anymore.  Which leads me into ANOTHER PROBLEM

DLC

   Heres the thing, im not going to say shit about DLC because it deserves an entirely well written and thought out article to describe why its so fucking stupid. Im too tired for that frustration now.

-stalinsaurus

Evening ladies and gentlemen. Stalinsaurus here again with my feelings, opinions, and thoughts on Assassins Creed III: Fuck Yeah America: The Game: The Sequel. I know a lot of people are real riled up from the presidential whatevers the other day, so lets take our minds off that and delve into something else.

A tomahawk. The CLASSIC Indian weapon. Way to go.

Okay. So first I must mention that I did not play Revelations. I played all the others, and aside from the Desmond bits, I dont think I missed too much by skipping a game. Anywho, AC3 takes place in the mid 18th century primarily in Boston and New York (and also some woods in between). You play as a couple different characters, but the main one is our new cover boy, Connor. His real name is something like Tutehnkahmen:dio, but I guess Ubisoft didnt think we were cool enough to use real life Injun names, so they gave him a white boy name. You get to play as a ten year old versioin of yourself, running around the woods doing regular Indian stuff for a little while, you know, hunting, killing, hiding, that is, until the WHITE MAN comes to take your land! Some scruffy dude with a sweet hat tells you that you have SARS and must now time travel to the future to kill him! He kills your mother and sets sail for 1776. Young Connor must now take the Master Sword from the pedestal and become an adult. Once in the future, you take a spirit journey with the local hag. You meet an old bro named Achilles who gives you all that sweet sweet assassin loot.

This is when the killings begin.

If youve ever played World of Warcraft, youve heard the phrase, “if its red, its dead”. This goes doubly so for AC3. You literally could be the nicest brit ever, maybe you got drafted into being a Boston guard by a corrupt government and you have no interest in fighting. maybe you joined just to help feed your family. Maybe you joined because you were a rogue teenager on the run with nowhere else to go. Connor does not discriminate. You are British and he is a savage Indian. He will kill you in the most embarassing way possible, and then steal any money you had. Your life for Ner’zhul.

The next three years are spent happily murdering brits and fighting for your country. Theres not really a plot as far as I can tell. I think youre just a mad Indian who wants revenge on the white man. Theres some names and stuff to pay attention to, but the only names you need to know are Connor, and corpse. Because those are the only two characters in this game.

Thats really all I’ve got to say about the single player for now. Im hoping they add a scalping minigame as DLC. It could really help push AC3 to be the best installation of the series.

On to the Multiplayer.

I played a lot of Brotherhoods MP, and had good times with it. At its core, youre dressed as one of 11 or 12 civilians that are copy pasted into each level. You have a picture in the corner of who youre looking for, and a radar based off line of sight. Sometimes youll have a target AND youll be a target, which can be scary. You have to get good at noticing the differences in an AI and a real persons movements. PRO TIP: AI never runs around in circles, kill those people first. There are soem really exciting moments in the MP, but you will always be left with the feeling that you either just played against someone who was functionally retarded, or that the game is broken in favor of everyone else. You know, just like every other online game ever.

There are game types, but lets be honest, every gametype boils down to :kill and dont be killed. Its like the Predator movies. You gotta cover yourself in mud so that they cant use heatseeker vision to see you.

Time to be Serious

Okay, so as with other games, ill name off as many good and as many bad things about the game as I can.

GOOD

1. The change up of scenery is really nice. Renaissance Italy was getting somewhat stale in my opinion. The addition of trees to the freerunning palette added a whole nuther method of locomotion.

2. New character, new story. Its nice to finally be in a different universe rather than Ezios, which was also getting old. Connor has a fairly compelling storyline, although I dont think I enjoy it as much as I did previous installments.

3. It actually forces you to be stealthy more than in previous games. This is a good thing for a stealth game. No running around like a fool.

4. Naval warfare. While it has a “tacked on just so more people will buy it” kind of feeling, its actually pretty neato at first. That said, its shit after a while. Tedious.

5. AMERICA.

6. Hunting can be interesting. Just like in Red Dead Redemption, bears and cougars are scary shit.

7. The Homestead area. Its kinda like the castle you managed in 2 (or Brotherhood, I dont remember). Only this ones an entire zone. You recruit settlers and shit, they make you items, you can send out convoys and get taxed like crazy. Its cool stuff.

8. Thats about it.

Dont think the game will ever be this epic or pretty during actual gameplay.

BAD

1. The graphics look like total fucking garbage. Let me elaborate. I saw someone complaining that, at large distances, the ground looks like MS paint graphics. This is true. BUT the game also looks like ass close up a lot of times. Plenty of jaggies and models clipping through stupid shit. Plenty of times during cutscenes that were out in the open, I would have NPCs who were doing their regular walking routines walk straight through me or whoever I was speaking with. When you ride a horse, your cape goes straight through it. This is obviously due to having to rush out a new game every year, which is a trend that can go fuck itself.

2. They didnt really add any new gameplay features, (ie. abilities, items, mechanics other than treerunning). I guess theres not much they could do without jumping the shark, but they did that years ago already when they made the first game.

3. Sometimes the “stealth” is laughable. The FIRST mission has you in a theatre where your target is in one of the balcony seats in the very front of the theatre. (think Abraham Lincoln). You scale the walls of the theatre and pretty obviously make your way to the booth. This is just one of many situations where you make yourself completely obvious, but the AI cannot see you.

4. Garbage characters. The story is interesting, yes, but the characters are trash. Connor has no depth to him at all other than being a mad Indian seeking revenge. Shit, im not even sure if hes an assassin.

5. Let me preface this by saying I am not racist. But there are too many black people that are somehow in positions of power. In 1776 im pretty sure there were still slaves. Im assuming that, due to cultural barriers, Ubisoft didnt want to “go there” but, hey, its a free country and I can gripe about what I want.

6.  Thats all I can think of right now!

OVERALL

Overall, the bads dont really outweigh the goods. Dont pick this up expecting it to be the best in the series, but its not the worst. It has solid missions, decent gameplay, and honestly, the hundreds of visual glitches are fucking hilarious if youre with a friend.

On the 88 star scale, I would give this game a solid 65. 65/88. Thats about an 8/10 on a “regular” scale.

65 stars

Im not even going to talk about the Desmond parts of the game by the way. I have never paid attention to them and I also dont care.

 So I think Halo: Modern Warfare 3 comes out today. Or tomorrow or something. I dont know. I havent really played a Halo since Halo 2.

Since the dawn of like 2002, people have wanted to know what Master Chief looked like. While I am here to answer that, I must first discuss something. There is no such thing as a Master Chief in the Marine Corps. Because theyre space marines. Right? I dont know. Master Chief is Coast Guard and Navy.

ANYWAYS.

Were here because I was emailed EXCLUSIVE pictures from Marathon or Bungie or 343 or whoever the hell makes these games. Activision or something. Well, they emailed me a few rough sketches for who is going to be revealed as the Chief of the Masters at the end of the exciting trilogy during Halo 4. Thats right, its so good that they made a triLOLgy take FOUR GAMES. Take that George Lucas.

So without further adeu, lets whip these bad boys out.

Why dont you just take a seat over there.

This makes sense.  Master Chief was really good at hiding and popping out on unsuspecting victims. Chris Hanson helps out children by making sure they dont get teabagged by grown men. Although I guess Master Chief and Halo dont really stop that considering everytime I played Halo 2 all I did was spend all night getting teabagged by grown men AND children. So I guess this CANT be it.

The Peoples Chief

Also a good contender for the REAL Master Chef. The Rock opened lots of cans of whupass ten years ago when he was relevant. Just like the Halo games! The only reason I dont think this could be the real Master Chief is because how could The Rock be Master Chief if the Gravemind sent him to High Charity to retrieve the Delta Force Index at the SAME TIME as Wrestlemania XIX? Myth busted.

Yo dawg.

So far the most likely option. Master Chief is a robot according to the first game, I think. So for there to just be another mask underneath is very logical. In fact, its probably just like those Russian doll things, each mask having a smaller mask underneath until eventually there is nothing left but circuits and motherboards and hard drives.

So theres one picture left. Now, this one is what THIS journalist believes is the real deal. And Ill tell you why.

If I could add a drumroll I would.

BOOM

   There you have it. Master Chief is Barack Obama. Just like Christian Bale in all the Batman movies, we need a Dark Knight. He silently protects us from the White House AND fights the alien scum. Most republicans will tell you, “Obama didnt go to the DC memorial on Veterans Day” or  “Obama didnt do etc. etc. etc.” Well let me tell you where he was.

On another fucking planet saving our asses.

Think about this for one second. Wrap your feeble mind around it. Halo 4 comes out on what day? The elections are on what day? This is undeniable proof of the TRUE identity of the Master Chief. Or should I say the Master and Commander in Chief.

Oh and Cortana dies in the end.