LuchaReview: Ark : Survival Evolved

Let’s start with an introduction. I’m Johnny Luchador, you may remember me from such ventures on the internet as being the guy with a luchador mask who streamed over on that robot gaming website, or you may know me from my stream the Video Game Circus. You may also know me for my truthful reviews of games I’ve never played, or my scale of 13 outta 4 Hacksaw Jim Duggin ratings. Anywho, I’m here to give you another wonderful review of a video game. I hope you enjoy my straight forward approach as I won’t bullshit you, I’ll tell you if the game is dumb or if the game is worth buying a large box of Little Debbie snack cakes and take a bath in them while you play the newly purchased game because it was rad.


In the world of gaming, we get a lot of different concepts that grab our attention.  To me, if a game is open world I’ll buy it because I enjoy games without restrictions of point A to point B.  Everyone has their preference, but there are things that stand out to me that are an instant buy. They include, Monster Trucks, Giraffes, Lou Diamond Phillips, Robots, Lisa Frank Colors, Wild West Themes, skateboarding dogs, and Dinosaurs.


So when I first saw Ark: Survival Evolved, I didn’t hesitate that it was in Alpha, I said, “take my money.”

So to give you the shimmy, here’s what Ark: Survival Evolved is all about. You basically create a character, and when I mean create a character you make their hips gigantic, their head small, long neck, long arms, short torso, and giant hands.  Once you’ve created your masterpiece of a human being. You’re transported to a magical land filled with…Dinosaurs. I mean, holy crap I just spawned on a beach in my underwear and there is a triceratops.


Of course, your first instinct is to fist fight said creature.  I will tell you this, you’re not going to win. I mean, if you have a team of gang banging ninjas there is a good chance you will conquer this beast. But in my experience, I was launched into the abyss several times after smacking large dinosaurs in the nose with my fists.

But don’t be discouraged, there are smaller creatures you can punch to death with your awesome fists. Dodo birds became extinct, mainly because of my bloodlust of punching them over and over.


Honestly, I kept expecting to run into societies of other players who would murder me with their fancy weapons and sticks, and steal my clothes, leaving me cold and naked on the beach. However, I found a bunch of builds, ran into a few people who shared my love for punching, and overall had a great interactive experience. I didn’t find any weird game breaking issues, besides the game being Graphic Heavy on your PC,  and for an Alpha, this game is pretty damn awesome.

Supposedly you can ride dinosaurs, I have yet to master this or even gotten to the point of trying to ride them, as I’m too enamored by the factor of the game looking visually awesome and that I can run up and look at dinosaurs. If you think about it, that’s the only thing you should be concerned about. Sure, you get cold, you get hot, you break limbs. You can run around and build things, craft, make enemies, ride dinosaurs, hunt, and die from shortcomings. But from my standpoint, it’s all about taking yourself out the realm of whats real and diving into something fictional and doing whatever you can do to enjoy yourself.


Really my only negative in this Alpha is the loading times. I was able to go to my fussy daughter, change her diaper, bounce her for 10 minutes, then lay her back down and I was still trying to join a server. I also have an issue that if I remotely try to go into the water to explore, I get killed by gigantic sharks. I learned from this that water is bad, and probably the reason why you should never text and drive. Don’t do drugs either. Make sure you always flush the toilet as well, because that’s just gross.

So on a scale of a random number of my choosing because everyone in the “gaming” industry wants things labeled by numbers, 1 being dumb, 33 being a Snickers, and 4 being Rent from a local Blockbuster Video,  I give this game.

7boogie 7 BOOGIE BEARS

Give this game a whirl if you can, its fun to run around like mongaloids fighting Jurassic Park.